my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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