I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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