Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
