dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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