fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
