she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
