They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
