my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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