I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0