listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...