i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.