i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
