I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
