im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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