when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please come you make the beer taste better
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
