Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
