Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
