Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Randomize
