he puts the penis in happiness.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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