the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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