You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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