the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the condom got lost in my hair
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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