I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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