WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
