Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
