I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
