When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize