So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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