I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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