Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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