Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
