Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
