Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
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He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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