My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Pooping to opera.
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