Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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