You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
