I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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