FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
