I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
