The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
