it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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