Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
