I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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