so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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