Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I believe in your delicious
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
