Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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