Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
