Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
