I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
