Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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