I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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