Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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