I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
