I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
