I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
