This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
