she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
