Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
