You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
