Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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