8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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